Well, hello there, Friend!

Hey, Saint, whatcha doin’?

Playing with my iPad.

Again? Still? I wonder about you because that’s what you always say.  So, how’s Mrs. Saint?

Taking her usual morning-afternoon-early evening nap.

You’re really not so busy, then? Got a minute? I’ve got something of great importance to say…something I thought I’d never say.

And, put your “I-Pad” away…or whatever…because I’ve also got a favourite to ask of you.

The Moon for You, M’Dear. Just say.  Just ask.

Here’s the importance part: I love, love, love shopping at Wal-Mart.

*gasp* with pause and a snort.

Wait! Let me finish.

Yes, of course, My Lovely…audible sigh…

Well, it’s like this: whenever I ask Babe “Do I look fat in these pants?”…she just looks at me with adoring eyes. Not much of an answer, but most days the adoring-eye trick works.

Babe's adoring eyes....
Babe’s adoring eyes….

*gasp* with [another] snort and [another] pause…

Let. Me. Finish.

Shopping for The Mother today at Wal-Mart has lifted my spirits, my waistline, my bust line, my knees and bum. Dare I mention the crow’s feet around my eyes are gone, too? When in Wal-Mart I care not about my pants or how I look. Pants or sans. Why? You ask? I look great. Not only do I look great… I look greatly small. Really!  Greatly Small.

Isn’t that…for lack of a better word…..GREAT?

You done?

No, Saintly Friend, not yet. I have THE Favourite-To-Ask…

The Sun-and-the Moon for you O’Greatly-Small Wal-Mart Shopper…

If I die this year, My Friendly Saint, will you speak at my Little-Dead-on-Party? And before you think I’m crackers…hear me out….

Remember when we were canal boating on the Llangollen Canal with The Wanker and the other couple? Quarters were close. We slept on
19-inch wide total body numbing boards. Not you and I sleeping together. But, same room. Remember?  And, we all shared the loo. Not as in loo togetherness but as in only one loo…and…I saw you in your boxers, without a shirt after your shower…and didn’t scream. You told me then, “But The Wife screams when she sees me sans shirt, and in boxers.”  And, to my benefit, I didn’t scream.  You owe me for that non-screaming moment.

Remember The Waiter in Normandy who wanted to kill you because you kept asking him stupid menu questions in “fake” French? Remember that?
I saved your life by telling The Waiter in “real” French, “He’s difficult and crazy and the rest of us hate him.”  Remember when The Waiter smiled and put the knife back on the table?  You owe me really Big Time for that one!

What about all the lunches you paid for just to listen to me snivel and whine when The Wanker did his Leave-Me Dance? Oh, right…that’s My Owe.  Never mind.

Here’s my idea for your Saintly Speech…keep it short and simple but please mention how and when we became best friends: Flying to London and you…YOU forgot your passport. Noticed it missing…WHEN? At the airport Check-In counter two hours before boarding. That superior brain-fart should have ended our precious friendship, and I am and will be forever grateful that it didn’t.

Also, say something along the usual lines of:  She came, she saw, conquered her fears, played one heck of a piano, loved her kids, grand kids, friends, etc. etc. You know the usual stuff. I’ll leave it up to you to put everything in their correct order. Oh, add dog, cats, and that I always wanted to be A Star…and became one in spite of…mostly myself.

Becoming a Star....
Becoming a Star….

Order take-away food…and please, don’t forget the wedding cake: white cake, raspberry filling with lots of white icing…and the Mariachi band. Your Saintly Speech would be a tribute made by you, but scripted by me to our Friendship…lo these many years.

Our Adventures.  

Our Journey.

So…are we clear on your speech duties at my Little-Dead-on-Party should I unexpectedly wing my ghostly, ghastly way back to Wal-Mart wanting to delight my pant or sans pant soul forever-more in Greatly small surroundings?   

Too much to ask?

 I can’t ask this Favourite of just anyone can I?

Has to be someone Special.

Someone Saintly.

In my eyes.

You know you are absolutely crackers.

Absolutely…but in a Greatly Small kind-of-crackers way. You think?


45 thoughts on “RING-RING-RING…

  1. Lovely Blog!!! I’m a Target girl. I think there food was fantastic there to to my surprise!! Either way it’s nice to get out and get some nice things for the house!


  2. Thanks for stopping by my blog. I enjoy your perspective and look forward to reading your work.


    1. Thank you for your comment. I tend to think of my “stuff” as fluff…compared to yours, Mr. Cs,
      OldFart, and Salty. I consider it a compliment that you’d want to drop in from time to time. Again, thank you…


      1. You mention 3 of my favorite bloggers. We have a lot in common. Write on!!!


  3. A eulogy already? At the beginning of the year, when there is all to play for and everything yet to be done? OK. I get it. Be prepared. Be very prepared. As in ‘be afraid, be very afraid’.
    Perhaps I’d better get working on mine.


    1. Oh, Missy P…I’m hardly ever afraid of the unknown…except maybe what will be said after I’m gone! That’s the “fun” part….writing the eulogy ahead of time and picking A Saint to speechify. However, added into my wonky equation of life/death…is the fact I lost Himself between breakfast and lunch one bright and sunny day.

      Just being prepared. As you said, “…very prepared…” but with humour…and twinkling lights!


      1. Glad to hear about the twinkling lights.
        That wonky bit of life versus death haunts us all at times and it should come from thunder and hailstones, not creep up on us with a faint breeze under the cover of bright sunny days. That’s plain sneaky.
        And why we must make the best of each day.
        So stick with the twinkling…. 🙂


  4. Gotta admit, I find most stories about WalMart funny because I seldom shop there. Now linking WalMart and eulogies is a real trick. Happy New Year Jots!


  5. Even I like svelte at Walmart. Too funny. If you really want to feel good about how you look, go to Barefoot Landing at Myrtle Beach and people watch. It will take 30 pounds off you. She sounds like a terrific friend with great memories. I am thinking of having a kegger at my funeral. I may at least get a toast. Happy new year. I have enjoyed your “jots” this year. Take care, BTG


    1. Myrtle Beach…west coast MB? or east coast? Doesn’t matter really…thirty pounds off-looking is a destination waiting to happen. On that second-to-last sentence….thank you. Even though, she said, I consider my stuff “fluff”. You, on the other hand, inspire me to think harder, write better and stay awake longer so I don’t miss a single minute of what’s happening…out there…in this place where we are certainly all-in-it-together.
      Here is to a new and improved beginning. Happy New Year.

      Save me a place at the water cooler…


      1. Myrtle Beach, SC, about 75 miles north of Charleston. Home of over 100 golf courses. You will always have a place at the water cooler. Take care, BTG


  6. I’m still laughing about the Walmart part. That store does make you feel small…and kind and loving as a parent. I was shopping at another grocery store last week and some large woman was smacking her small kid around and calling her cuss words (including the F bomb). I looked at my husband and said, “I think she’s in the wrong store. She belongs in Walmart.”


  7. I told my husband I had my eulogy planned, just in case, when I went in for surgery for cancer. he got all nervous nelly on me and wouldn’t speak of it. I told him to begin…For Esme, with love and squalor. and to end it with: she was a friend to the four legged creatures, the creatures with gills and shells. Trees kept her secrets and tiny violets made her laugh with delight. All creatures, great and small, she loved them all. People? well….some of them she would have gladly done without .But most of the time, she tried to find good things in them and in doing so, found unexpected mercy in herself. Heaven has gained a laughing, off key singing, mambo dancing angel who will do her best to look after us…….I knew I was going to be fine. but it is a reality. and if we can make it the different experience it is and learn from it, then yippee ki-yay!!! Happy 2013 to you and Babe. Live long and prosper.


  8. An interesting read – though I have to admit it took me a while to figure out who was talking. I like the idea.

    I have a friend who has asked me to write her eulogy for each of her grandparents when they passed. She told me all about them, and I composed the speeches and went over them with her to make sure that everything was in order. She said her family loved the eulogies, and we kept my authorship as our secret. I felt that even though I had only a nodding acquaintance with either of them, it was a special honor for me to write about them, and I enjoyed being of a help to my dear friend at such a difficult time.

    On an unrelated note, who’s the hottie in the picture, and where can I see a bigger version of it than that little postage stamp on my screen?

    Hope your barn boots are keeping your tootsies warm.


    1. Hottie? There’s a “hottie” on your computer screen. I don’t know why I should be interested in this “hottie”…but it might, just might, give me an opportunity to be jealous over….something?
      Yes, double-down on socks when wearing barn boots. Tootsies warm. Oh…those are the “hotties” you refer to…….silly me…so dim.


          1. Last year does in fact qualify as a bygone era, as you will likely learn in the coming days when all of the “Goodbye 2012” TV specials start airing.

            I’m half tempted to post a new profile pic of myself with the luxurious mane of brown locks I had, in a bygone era.


    1. Does this make me a bona fide Control Freak, Girl Scout Still-Wannabe or…?
      I’ve heard from very good sources, however, that Introverts oft times leave nothing to chance….
      I’m good with that.


  9. Crackers in the best possible way, Jots!
    And when the time comes, good lord, I’d like you to write my eulogy too.
    (definitely include the “sans pants” thing…)

    Hope all is well, and sincerely, have a great new year! getting to know you has been one of the fun parts of this year.


    1. You are, absolutely, a St. Knight and continue to be THE Toot’s Potatoes! It has been and is my tickle-bone pleasure to be included in this magical realm of…word sorcery and off-kilter wit. Here’s to 2013….my best to you El G and TMWGITW!


      1. I am totally stealing “The toots potatoes” and adding it to my lexicon!

        And the ‘sphere wouldn’t be near as rewarding without you!


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